Lexy Stefanie M.

I DO LOVE MYSELF

2008-12-27T04:23:08Z

I don't know why. I still get miserable sometimes. But it has been getting better, by God it has. I'm overally way happier than I was in the previous months. Its all hard to believe though. I guess I have a feeling in the back of my head that things should be bad, else I will be liable to a sudden collapse in fortunes.

That being said. There really is not much I need. Unlike many, I have no special longings for material objects and the superficial wealth they provide. Decent comfort, but most importantly the ability to pursue my thoughts is all I require. I'd like a dog someday. I think I'd like to live in a peaceful cottage, in the middle of nowhere. A queer ambition in this day and age. Don't know if even I prescribe to it. But its a nice image. Especially as a reward for a few decades of dynamism.

Boxing Day Blues

2008-12-27T02:16:10Z

Went dress shopping at Marshall's and TJ Max. Utterly saddening affair. I just feel like such a monster. I hate looking like a fucking freak. Like a fucking curiosity. Who's that weird fag over at the women's section? Though of course I'm exaggerating. Lakeview! For God's sake no one gives a shit one way or another as long as you leave them alone.
I'm my own Jesse Helms. Yea, I guess I have that internalized transphobia or homophobia or whatever. Well mostly transphobia. Why the fuck can't I be happy being a gay boy? Why all this shit? Transition if it is anything is a lot of work. I'll admit I'm just languid. What do I do all day? I'm far too weak physically to be of any use at all. Not to mention mentally and morally. I mean I have no fucking sexual identity even! Who the fuck am I?
Well I resolved to be celibate till I transition more. I realized that gay sex (when I'm in it) completely disgusts me. Yes I finally allowed myself to admit this! And yea (my last relationship was with a girl actually) I am completely awkward being with a woman at this point. Though I love girls! Yes I have to transition to function sexually but why, why why? Why all this?

So this was just a mindless and pointless rant. I suppose its better than doing nothing. Why am I posting this online? Isn't this stupid?

4 years left

2008-12-21T17:43:02Z

So perhaps the ancient Maya had a thing going on. They did predict Cortez's invasion after all. So now we have their prediction about Dec 21 2012 so yep... 4 years left. Is it that implausible? Our financial system is in the process of unraveling, Russia is getting more and more rogue, the whole Muslim world might turn to flames, Europe has that demographic problem.

So yea... this motherfucker might burn. But it might not. Maybe 2012 will even lead us to a new Golden Age. I don't know... but I will commit to living these 4 years to the maximum fullfillment.

Back to Writing

2008-12-20T20:37:05Z

I must take risks. I have to put myself out there. Otherwise I stagnate and there is nothing more disgusting than stagnating life. Life is only beautiful when it thrusts itself upon the cosmos, when it defies entropy. Otherwise its just rot, its just shit.

So anyway much has changed since my last post. I just had orientation at UIC. It feels so good to finally be going back to school.

Had a really bad argument with my dad recently because of my transgender identity. Epic. He doesn't have the heart to disown me as I'm all he has though, but I'm no doubt pushing him to. Its so strange. He is so pissed at me being trans... more pissed than if I got into smack or if I joined a cult. Oh well, I won't be needing him. I'm in school now, got my schedule and I am working my ass of for that fucken 4.0 and getting scholarships. I am motivated right now, thank God for that.

I'm gonna start hormones on January 22. Finally! After just over a year of being out I'm finally acting on my needs.

So I know take my voyage toward the future, with a measure of deliberation but with the cultivation of my animal spirits.

Sick of people

2008-07-05T02:21:40Z

I seriously am. Its all just shallow entertainment and partying. Socializing, Socialization, blah, blah... Leaves my mouth with a saccarine bitter taste. Fuck that!
I am seriously considering living out in the woods or something. Studying Nature... the Quran... the Upanishads and the Bible. Reflecting on how messy and foolish society is.

Yea...

ciemnia @ 2008-06-15T23:34:00

2008-06-16T04:42:15Z

So I'm back on this LJ thing. anyone missed me?

Its good to have a place to rant and rave... publicly in a private way. How private? I don't know. Maybe I really should delete some stuff for safety's sake.

So alot has changed since last posting. Left my College. Now I'm a cast member on this play combating abstinence only sex education. Actress and activist, yes sir! I get my script tommorow! That has got me pretty excited.

Other than that... I've been trying to find jobs, but haven't. I worked for a day for a cargo handling buisiness out of O'hare... that was a NIGHT OF HELL. Phew! but I should eventually stop living off my parents' generosity, especially as my father, the primary supporter doesn't support my transition. I really have to stop being a bum... but whats the alternative? I don't want to enter the corporate world, but academia sucks too. Sometimes the military seems really attractive, if only because it is a job I just entere inot that takes up my whole life when i do it. and doesn't even require any self pondering. Ah well...

So anyway... I'm back. Will probably work on this thing more regularly now.

ciemnia @ 2008-03-10T22:56:00

2008-03-11T03:02:43Z

Car sufing on a Saudi Highway. That's what I'd love to do. Saw this completely sickening video where these young Arab heirs were hanging from a car and surfing on the road! Skating, man, they were fucking skating on their sandals and shit! Damn that looks fucking fun, I'll tell you what.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJupNDIKkEk

Moksha- Some thoughts on Sex, Spirit and Religion

2008-03-09T01:23:18Z

Liberation completed is the most absolute bondage and slavery just as absolute and infinite speed and dynamism exhibit the utmost stillness and at-restness.

I just read Miracles by CS Lewis. I like the the man and the writer generally, but only to a point. I am deeply offended at his patriarchy, his shortcuts, and his loose ends. I am especially intolerant of unexamined Patriarchy now more than ever.

Nature and Supernature he contrasts. He does a great job at dispelling the popular mythologies and faith of scientific natuaralism. In the end, I will not and can not follow him in saying that Supernatural theism is anybetter. Rather I remain at heart a daughter of Nietzsche. Going to any other realm of thought is dishonest. There are no truths only interpreters.

Sex, comes to mind as it always does and should. I often find myself loathing and despising this lowly movement. At heart I am a stern Calvinist or Desert-Monk, Conupscience my despised foe. This is what annoys me about Christian apologetics: they make a cowardly and effete peace between Sexuality and Asexuality. Where is the proud pruddery of Tertullian, Augustine's epic procrastinations and struggles, Origin's heroic act of Self-castration, self-mutilation, self-annihalation? All these Christian apologists now seem to be for the most part proper married men (being a proper married man often enough may mean you are restraining homo, trans, or otherwised deviant sexual instincts). Sado-masochism permeates Lewis' work. The Blasphemy of God as Husband appears- arising out of that villanious and diabalocal Song of Songs ascribed to the decadent Epicurean ruler Solomon.

God as Husband? Christ as the Bridegroom? This is an ancient and biblical belief, one that really needs to be seriously contemplated and understood by Theist and non-theist Christian and non-christian. I really deeply have to loathe Sex at times.

An experience- I have this fuck-buddy. We played a lot at the end of last semester. She and Mary-Jane were my two mistresses at the time, I lived for Them and nobody else. Fucking and smoking was powerful and holy. The two Goddesses drove me to utter slavery or utter liberation, I know not which. What I do is this is what happened. I smoked with Her in the woods. We kissed, insulating against the cold and clear air we passed the gooey and hot smoke between us. Sharing in poison and paradise. Going to bed with Her. It was a single- a single the Mortal handmaiden was sharing with her Mistress and Goddess. The handmaiden's genitals were sore from the tight boyshorts from Vicky's Secret she wore.

Swept up into sensation- the handmaiden's will and ego was reduced to a mute and paralyzed witness to Compulsion, Sensation, and Passion. There no longer was alternation of pain and pleasure. In the act of fornication there was only pure unadulterated pleasure. THe kissing- oh how Divine!

And then- the Fucking! it was long and timeless- the Snail made it inside the Oyster. Utter loss, nothing mattered anymore.

So is this what CS Lewis types seek in supressing their desires, wearing nicely pressed clothes and going to their Churches on Sundays. If so, I think they better test the waters first. Maybe this ain't all that great?

Restless

2008-03-07T05:45:00Z

that's what I've been lately, just restless and jumpy. Really excited about going to C-bus tommorow and meeting folks from the forum. Never really been in that kind of situation before.

I'm also restless cuz now I'm just so aware of my shortcomings with regards to being a girl. It gets so difficult to walk outside and seeing beautiful girls who I'm just so jealous of. I know transition can do a lot of seen it, but I REALLY HATE MY FEET. Gah... like I just wanna wear some cute flats but no... I just feel like I could never be graceful either, cuz I was like always clumsy and I still remain so in many ways. As a kid I was clumsy... blah, I got some kind of motor skill issues.

Anyway though things really can't and shouldn't be going better so inspite of that middle paragraph of complaints, I have to reitirate things are going SICKENING (meaning very good). I just hope there won't be too many obstacles, I'm gettin some of dem monnzzz as soon as I can! Pretty much right when I hit chi-town I will, you'll see.

Vigil II: The Wanted Side Effects

2008-03-04T08:40:44Z

Common complaint is about Sexual side effects. The most dreaded sexual side effect is a repressed sex drive, not the reverse.

I'll say right now though, I would probably love to take an anti-viagra, a sexual depressent. Sexuality is my enemy. I liked that about the ADD meds back when I took them, that they shrank my superclit and aside from the stimulation I got to toward the use of higher-faculties, I wasn't weighed down and sabotaged by the movements of concupiscence. This effect alone makes the amphetamines superior to caffiene.

I'm barely on any drug right now. Drank an Amp about 5-6 hours ago. Nothing really but me and Interpol and the computer screen's radiation. I'm not feeling horny right now, that's good. Orchie, that sounds really good now.

Later Edit:
Oh Shit! Maybe I should watch out b4 I disintegrate into a bunch of Jekylls and Hydes. A part of me is deeply sexual and has a pure delight in the libido, of achieving ever better orgasms and of touching and smelling and feeling and conquering and being conquered. Hmm... maybe that's something the big T will do for me, end the conflict, and allow me to unambiguosly enjoy my sexuality.

Vigil I: Proteus

2008-03-04T08:26:44Z

I have some down time on my hands and I'm at a sort of fulcrum/cross-road point.

Staying up all night, to shift the thoughts. Good to do sometimes, probably safer than smoking a bowl. A priority is making a good exit out of this place that's been my home for over a year and a half. Have to say my good-byes, have some quality last conversations. God, I really will miss the people that I got to know down here at Muohio. The friends, and the acquaintances, hell i'll even miss the guy that pushed me down the stairs last year after he thought I was hitting on the fiance. (which was funny, because that was when I tried really hard to be a gay guy).

Nostalgia has resounded thematically through my consciousness, high-school and even earlier. I have a strong drive to tie up loose ends and rediscover what was forgotten. I love my experiences, I love going to different places and accumulating strange experiences. I am proud of my long-term memory.

I'm going back to Chi-town in large part to transition. Transitioning is actually the biggest motivation in my life for better or worse. Also hoping to come closer to figure out what I was put on Earth to do but transitioning is the one concrete and possible end that I can orient my being toward, the only one.

We die with each new experience. Drastically changing one's life circumstances is a violent act. I'm working hard to set everything straight. I accept that I have no real choice other than to keep on living, and no stronger drive than to live authentically. So off I go.

Meditations on 3-3-08

2008-03-04T05:14:23Z

Culture? Society?

Infamies to smashed. Masters to be appeased slavishly. Choose your destination.

Arda warms. A certainty renews in me, an optimism. Emerging from my foul pit after the passing of noon, I am rewarded by a coolingly strong wind and a warmly weak sun. Clouds above, rain is approaching but now it doesn't matter. Better than the slushy infernal shit that plagued my outdoor for so long.

My breakfast? Mexicalia Torte and Spanish Rice, different. Good. Arnold Palmer, hell yea. New York Times: Same old shits. Happy.

Came out and kept walking, took the rape walk. ended up at the library for good or bad. Met an old high-school friend unplanned. Don't know whether that's good or bad.

My last times at this school. I know. Have to enter the unknown. A good bye in all my deeds and communications toward others. Towards comrades, enemies and those indifferent.

My pitiful and pathetic father. I don't know what is gonna happen to him. He's in trouble, what if he commits suicide because of my Slaaneshi actions? Poor fool. My sin, the problem. Is I really do want to go my own way, Ironically enough that's what he wants for me as well. Maybe degraded, or maybe always of a low-grade, he simply knows not what I do. He knows not anything. He has neither read from the book of the world nor even much of the book of the giants of the past. I am like the cruel young tree that steals its taller parent's nutrients and soon overtakes its place in the sun, watching pitifully at the cruelty it had to commit simply to seize its own sun.

Life is cruel in essence, it is death turned evil. Life grows from casting off dead and old things. Ergo April is the cruelest month.

Feelin Better

2008-02-29T06:41:40Z

First of all: thanks Siduri, yea it is always great to practice mindfulness.

I am getting out of those unpredictable lulls, hopefully permaently this time. I know this, I'm just gonna have to take a break out of school. Maybe its bad that I got to this situation but that's where it stands now and I'll deal with it.

I know there is a lot of shit on my mind dealing with past, present, future, and the atemporal. I have to not let my consciousness divide itself so much. Simplicity.

There is quite a lot I want to do and experience in life. My needs and drives are competing and annihilate each other it seems, but that does not have to be true. (Ie: I want to travel around the world and just work a simple job like teaching English in some far away country, but at the same time I need to transition.) Some big competing drives, I have to take a step back and discern.

I can't worry so much about every little personal detail, I can't worry so much about petty social foibles, I can't worry so much about so-and-so not liking me. I can't place too much stock in some magical experience from an event.

I'll keep doing what I do best, teaching myself from books. I will seriously undertake learning mathematics finnally, calculus and logic in particular. I'll take a book and study it like that, at my time, no pressure, no tests. It's unfair I've been cheated of a whole realm of knowledge and beauty. Time to rectify that.

I don't much believe in New Year's resolutions or any sort of sudden change and determination to change something. The most powerful decisions in my life have been spur of the moment, like hell writing in a journal consistently is something I didn't premeditate. The fact is, life circumstances have changed and I need to adapt. I'll continue the best of my habits and just cold-turkey away some of the bad ones.

Now can finally be my chance to begin life proper, on my own terms. If anything this can be an occasion for joy.

wow... that last post

2008-02-27T17:27:27Z

so yea... that's my whole fucking problem! I'm just vague, vague about everything. Not even I can make heads or tails out of what goes through that mystifying little brain of mine most of the time. There is just so much non-sense in my head. Gah! This charade is so loathsome...

Vanity of Vanities or Why I'd be Better off if I was Never Spawned

2008-02-27T17:13:10Z

Meh, another cliche as my title. But really, its all just so fucking pointless. I can't really see a good reason to not positively prefer death. To not positively favor nonexistence over existence.

I know I can't shut my miserable carcass down and extinguish my parody of a soul, because other people exist, some of whom would be distressed somewhat. Plus my mother always raised me to not leave a mess I couldn't clean up, so I won't. But God, I wish there was just a way to end this boring comedy without it being messy.

Went through another human nature class today. Discussing the Bodies Exhibit: an exhibit of unclaimed corpses from the People's Republic of China. Unclaimed, yea, what the fuck does that mean? It certainly ain't good, as the PRC is up to some really shady shit. So you have a bunch of college kids, most of them privleged and sheltered suburban dwellers, arguing over some pointless posturings over something that really is quite fierce and gruesome and real. Worst is academics, like the prof E.M., who posture about the Other and someother such fanciful theological terms like a bunch of capons. Eh! Sickening.

So yea... returning to what I should be talking about. Kate Bornstein, her new book is quite good. Writing this post I guess I'm following an instruction from her, definitely by spirit if not by letter. I don't know though, am I really worthy to live, is the world improved by my presence? Eh, I can't escape the feeling now that it would be the best if I was never born. It comes down to the nagging fact that I have nothing at all to contribute. That I really am just a waste of matter. I mean look, I can't create anything beautiful. The only publishing I've done so far as an adult are just ugly and pointless and senseless rants on this Livejournal thing. I have no significantly good talents that I can live from. The one thing I earn praise for is intelligence. But no, I'm not intelligent at all. I only know that I know so little. I only know the bare minimum that the quest to know is insatiable, and that I myself am highly hindred by material and social factors beyond my control. I have a frivolous cunning. Frivolous, because it doesn't actually preserve my life, and in the end gets me in trouble.

So no, I will honestly say I am not suicidal out of transphobia. Fuck no! I'm just not good enough. I'm too much of a contradiction, I'm a failed assemblage of matter or a failed creation (pick your worldview). There are some really rockin people out there who happen to be all matter of things including Trans or whatever. But I'm really not one of them. Yea I read a lot of posts recently on this forum from some people who felt suicidal because they were really miserable about transitioning. It is part of my depression, I can't deny. But I'm just aware of my inferiority and inadadequacy in different and more scary ways. I have no right to have pretensions to greatness or even significance. I'm just a fucking joke.

My life is a farce. A joke, a bad one at that. I love to learn, I seek the great things yet I am too small to do any of that. I am nothing, just a speck of dust, a clot of blood, a puff of smoke. There's some wonderfully beautiful shit in this universe, and that's cool. So I guess I just accumulate aesthetic experiences. But I'm so limited by material factors, and I'm just a piece of shit, so there's really just more and more misery.

Moral of the story: I really fucking hate myself.

The most detestable

2008-02-23T19:02:46Z

is the condition of the spiritually inferior having power over the spiritually superior. Whether by force of money or arms, whether carried out gently and with persuasion or with naked brutality and violence; this phenomenon is a bitter fact encountering the human condition.
Never is this horrible fact more manifest than in a father, in any kind of father, anyone with pretense to that station. This fact (for thats what it is, an incontrovertible reality) is horrible for it induces both terror and nausea. Terror in being a refutation and block to all that is beautiful and overcoming in the human, and nausea just by being sickening and so trivial.
A dear friend of mine is suffering the position of a spiritual superior held down by a manifestly inferior father. I have rocky relationship with this friend, recently spurred on because as that friends bad conscience I am stirred by the contradictory warping of reality this situation induced in hir.

Eh fuck it! I'll just go straight out, say this direct in slang and in plain language. Him (i will not mention any more names) is really fucken me up! I can't fucken stand it! What i detest most in Him is that He does not know how to hate or to love, how to condemn or praise, how to live or die. He is an utter failure at everything and represents everything i resoulotely refuse to do or be. He is pathetic, concerned with stupid surface things. Like making sure I wear a coat, that I "dress up" that I brush my teeth that I eat that i not work too much. Hey you fucken idiot! I'm a fuckin FAGGOT and a fuckin TRANNY u understand... Do you fucken understand!!! IF YOUR A HOMOPHOBE THEN BE A FUCKEN HOMOPHOBE. DON'T U DARE PITY ME! I PITY U! U DESERVE MY PITY U FUCKING FAILURE! U DISSAPOINTER, U PETTY OLD SENILE FOOL, SENILE FROM THE CRADLE.

I have so much guilt because of this... as I should its only natural. I'm not John Wayne Gacy, or Hitler, or Jeffery Dahlmer, or Sigmund Freud, or whoeverthefuck. I have a bad conscience. I know He loves me. But its not a love I can value because its so degraded by petty and cheap things. The scary thing is we really do have a lot in common. I can't but accept that my deep desire to transition is somehow helped and influenced by an acidic spitefulness to excorcise Him away from me.

What I hate most is how pathetic he is, and how pathetic I am that I am in a position of dependence in spite of how pathetic he is. As I wrote above, he doesn't even know how to be a good Queerphobe. Every idiot knows if your a fag, your a fag! What the hell do I have to hammer into that iron skull!

This is why now, I'm sabotaging myself. I have to escape. Any fate is better than what I have had to increasingly endure the past couple of years. I will have to travel a very bumpy road in the middle of the night. I will have to hitchhike. BUT I HAVE TO. TO SURVIVE. SO I DONT GET TYRANIZED BY THE FOOL. i have to take on risks, burn bridges and ships, finnally have will. I have to prove I AM WHO I AM.

Poverty of Ethical Discourse

2008-02-23T05:17:40Z

There are a lot of tears shed, there is a lot of acrimonious dispute, over ethics. Ethics encompassing both individual and collective action, over the political as well as the personal.

There is a shout among those who generally consider themselves Conservative to Return! Some say the Bible, some Plato, some Kant... some any combination in between. The core message remains Return!

Then the liberals or Radicals or the Posts. Well, they say fuck it all, shit on it! its all relative man! In comes an aversion and a negation. A fear of the big and a constant desire to shit on anything.

Both forms of Ethical thought are bound, can only be bound, to catastrophic failure. There is a tendency to either restore the West to its greatness or a demonic hatred of an old rot.

The essential poverty of discourse on ethics lies here. A lack of creative will. A lack of genuine peace-making. The solution I see is to abandon dichotomies of old/new and go forward a different way.

Confucianism. Very stupidly this family of cultural developments and discourses is unstudied as it should be. No, Confucianism, Daoism, and rival/more minor thoughts are relegated to Orientalist ghettoes. The Academic Shit-heads with all their morality and white-guilt in their utter disgusting inertia have not even abandoned Orientalism.

We must move to a point where we acknowlege ourselves as Human, as a species that arose at a certain point that have a common claim, common needs, and a common destiny. We have to abandon cultural jealousy and come to a view that we have to take all Ethical discourses into our fields. We should cease a fetishism on Plato and Aristotle and examine Confucious and Mencius. Stop the fixation on Paul of Tarsus' ethical commandments and listen to Laozi's calm advisings.

I only mentioned Chinese thought. Of course all human ethical history and experience must be integrated, but here I choose China to illustrate a crucial point. For the longest time Chinese civilization, the Chinese Dao was far superior to all world civilizations in objective criteria, and certainly far above the Western civilization and Logos. It is imperative to truly come to understand and be able to integrate Confucian thought without apologies, without overvaluations or dismissal, without ghettoization.

What I love about Confucianism is the emphasis on Relationships. We have reached the point that we understand how limiting individual atomism is. Confucianism offered an effective way of action and thought that guided a coherent civilization through many long ages. It was certainly strengthened by contact with other ways (dao) as well. The point is- Confucian-thought was organic in a way Western Ethic discourse systems manifestly failed. Confucious emphasized continuity- action being guided through history. The importance of rites and of imitation. Yes! Do you here friend- Confucious spoke of how an ordered society is best ordered by Ritual, Play, and Performance- Something only the Postmodernists have articulated within narrowly Western Discourse.

Cosmopolitan humanism is already happening, there are signallings for it in many nooks. But it has to happen faster! We have to stop over-praising and shitting-on the right course for a possibly plausible ethical system that may guide humanity collectively to a "Good Death" has to be founded on the whole of humanity's experience. Integrate, Integrate, Integrate... Organic Thinking.... Hybrid Vigor... Tolerance toward the gooey...

This we must do to survive, and do so in style.

Paen to Production

2008-02-23T04:23:05Z

If drowned in a sorrow of nihilistic guilt, of hopelessness, of an ever present shout of "all is vanity! there is a season for everything!" One salvation comes and that is work. Work for work's sake, production simply for the action of producing it and a non-consideration of effect. Or better phrased: not taking effect seriously.
The season I am in now is one of a sailing over an abyss, of sitting calmly on a rope stretched between two distant cliffs. The rope is not creaking fast it still has some stability in it, so I stay. But I know I have to cross soon.
Well not exactly a rope, maybe a bridge? Yes that's what it is. I suppose it is one of those rope bridges over the Andes. God! I really have to get to Peru sometime, see the Inca Empire amid the mountains. An Empire great in its adaptation to a Holy and Sublime environment. A State with a God Emperor who made all his subjects Gods themselves.
Ah! What am I doing, historical romanticism is way out of form. we don't use capital letters anymore. we don't take a few facts and then overelaborate a whole verbose paen. no! this is the age of the sacred meh...
There is sense in that perhaps, in a smallness, an epicureanism true to the ideals of its founder. No sense in me protesting much.

Peculiar liberty- this is a rather interesting production to contemplate, what I am writing now. It is very much like writing notes underground on a sheet of paper, except this is potentially accesible to over a billion other ego subject-positions. So it is a more effective way maybe of combating the rodent-insect syndrome that our urban hermits suffer from. Or maybe not?
Treefingers by Radiohead- that piece evokes a feeling toward the cosmic and the ancient. I'm in a womb, a space filled with void. Very cosmic- something blinking. Yes, the evocation of a mysterious space and time, a category of imagination, an empty-fullness.
Happiness for me, in many moments all I feel that I need, is a capacity to appreciate beautiful works of others and of God. To be immersed in oceans of sublimity of artistic inspirations that delve into my consciousness. An ever-present, immanent Synthaesia that dispels all doubt and all movement from pleasure/non-pleasure.
But then it is all the better to fight the futile battle against entropy of a pleasurable state with the weapon of production. The cruelest punishment would be to be deprived of creativity, of course that might well be an inconceivable state. But it is true to say that the capacity to produce is the consolation of consolations.
Turn on the Bright Lights! You make the dark even more intense.

21st Century Ascending

2008-02-20T07:18:37Z

The Events now: International Divide over Kosovo, the Retirement of Castro, the looming hope of Barrack Obama

Times are getting more interesting. I am really interested what will happen with Barrack Obama, I know I am casting my vote for him in the Ohio Primary. It is looking very likely he may be President. Many people more intelligent, observant, and erudite than myself have written about him so I'll only add that I really want to wait and see what will happen this election.

Castro's exist is largerly symbolic, perhaps even a moot point. Still it is the passing of an era. This is the last 20th Century figure on the world stage. Where will Cuba go from here?

Kosovo- US supports it, Russia and China nay it. Interestingly this state of affairs is a veritible repetion of the late 19th early 20th Century squabbles that set the tinderbox that ignited the Great War. Alliances and interests are not very clear yet, but one thing seems pretty strongly supported, that the Liberal Capitalist Consensus is starting to crack and split up.

Change may well be afoot, but nothing is guarenteed. I am heartened that there is a good deal of historical baggage being overcome, but there can be yet more messes, and further sinkings into stupidity and inhumanity. Where will we go?

Kosovo

2008-02-20T06:35:09Z

The international squabling over Kosovo is something I am obligated to think about. I'm a world citizen, but I'm also of Serbian heritage.

Yea, I'm half Serbian and half Polish, both parents born in their respective countries. At this point though my national feelings come to this- I am an ardent Internationalist, I am largerly shaped by American culture, but I have strong sympathies and spiritual connections to both my Serbian and Polish side.

That said I'll begin with a quote I remember that some German aristocrat said after she was dispossesd from her home by the Red Army: The greatest love is love without possesing. That's an important point, and I wished more people would consider it. I wish more people would internalize it when it comes to their identities- love without possesion.

There is a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding about the Balkans even among quite educated Westerners. The American media has portrayed the Serbs as the bad guys, as the sole provokers of woe. I am not denying that Serbs did not comit crimes against humanity, but the truth is so did just about every other major ethnic group that intended to establish or expand its own state-hood in the Balkans and that made up Yugoslavia (Albanians, Bosniaks, Croats). No one has heard about the Jansenovic extermination camp which is surpassed only by Nazi Death-camps in occcupied Poland as a certain for genocide. It was primarily a site where Croats and their German masters murdered Serbs and the few Jews that lived in that region, as well as other undesirables.

I won't go into history anymore because it is needlessly complicated and will take forever. I needed to illustrate Jansenovic to make certain points clear but it has to be clarified, I am not at all interested in a "caluculus of national culpablitity".

There can only be one solution in the end, the abolition of nationalism. As much as I have vestigal feelings of treachery, I have to support the Kosovars in their efforts, they are the majority there now and they simply want to establish a representative Republic that reflects their needs and ensures their prosperity. Thinking about it now- I strongly support all seperatist movements around the world. I support the existence of a Basque state, of Independent Quebec, the dissolution of China, South Ossetia and Abkhazia splitting from Georgia. Yes even the break-up of the United States (gasp!).

It seems contradictory that in being an internationalist I support the actions mentioned above. I iterate that I support seccesionism in so far as it weakens the State as constituted in its current hold-over feuadal, Bourgeoise, and Fascistic forms. I envision a breaking up of a coercive state forcing laws and cultures on non-consenting citizens. The State as currently constituted is a bastardized form born out of coercion. In replacement the hope I hold out is replacing unitary idealogies with associations, with a human simblinghood. Where ones Motherland is the whole Earth and borders are abolished. Where we will do with our distorte ideology by which we still make maps and deform our understanding of what Planet Earth is.

Lets be aware of history, but lets not identify it, lets not bring the rotten stench of the dead back to life. Yes this and that people commited genocide, lets move beyond after we learn and mourn.

Free associations have to replace coercive states at one point or another for Humanity to survive. It is a difficult road, but best done with securing and edifying each cultural groups dignity. Only then can we make the world a true commonwealth of individuals, a non-monetary and non-exploitive marketplace of sheer creativity. It is a difficult road but at least the enemy is known- Centralized Coercion.

I Love God

2008-02-19T19:31:16Z

Or what I might have meant by "Horizontallity- the Point that must be Reached"

I have been going, falling into, hovering over, depths, pits, rocks, and black holes. Mid-day eclipse of my mind, my dreams, my thoughts, my loves is what I call my own Zeitgeist.

The High can only come with the myriad of lows. I think by now I might have alienated most potential readers of this little world-broadcast of mine that few will bother to read this, I think I might just give the impression of eccentricity, of isolation, and of debility of reasoning. Of a formless and unstable intelligence. Not too forget an unhealthy healthy level of arrogance. Probably also a deal of pity from being a young trans girl crushed by a world determined to undermine her existence, if I can be accepted into that distinguished community.

God makes all things New- that is why I love Her. Dorothee Soelle has restated the point beautifully- God is the X that all religions say we need.
All is vanity says Ecclesiastes, All desire/striving=suffering postulates Gautama Buddha. My favorite chapter now in the Bible is Ecclesiastes, it probably makes very similiar points to Job, but being a college student wracked with ADD, gender dysphoria, and general indecision and restlessness, its brevity really goes a long way. So I have studied that short and simple book quite thoroughly. I love Ecclesiastes because the grumpy old man that talks to me offers no answers, and goes against my instincts by telling me that it is better to go to a house of mourning than a den of mirth or better still to shut my mouth and obey the king. Solemnly accept my lot in life. Wow. Kind of opposes everything I have found to be good and right to do.

God is the ever abundant presence that can only be found in Nothingness, in Defeat, in Eclipse, in Night, in Exhaustian. As an intellectual I aim to work out an order of the world and an order of my actions in the world and interactions with the Other. I am utterly disheartened at the futility of it all, that I can never articulate reality around me just as it is to my satisfaction, that I can never come close to finding a right way to authentic happiness. All castles out of stone or out of soulful imagination crumble from the pressures of "this-so" of "incontrovertible" or The Real.

Something remains in spite, the something is... Well Derrida calls it the Deconstructible and identifies it with Justice. I reach something that can't be defined or conceptualized, that I can't corner into an orderly universe, can't fit into my Cloud Castle. Yet it calls, it remains, final Defeater and Abaser and final Comforter and Exalter all in one. This is God.

Love is the calling, Love is what never fails. The simple and unconditional Love. I won't qualify it anymore, for now is not the place.

A documentary worth seeing, mandatory for spirit-enrichment is Dialogues with Madwomen directed by Allie Light. The movie presents a variety of women who have all met with the buisiness end of patriarchy, who have been shafted by administrators and husbands and fathers and doctors. The character I resonate with is Mari. She survived a terrible childhood of abuse largerly through her brilliant imagination and creativity. She created multiple personalities, 19 I believe in the end, and all by a very young age! She went through all sorts of medication and incarceration. She was denied anything sheltering and anything tangible since she entered this wretched world. She never even had the chance to be in a semblance of a castle.

"I'm a Librarian, I like that. I like being pretty, I like being a Lesbian." This saint cheerfully says. Yes! out of it all she emerged with cheer. She talked of lighting a candle in front of a mirror in a dark room and communing with the Goddess she saw. This is true Self-love, only something what Mari made me feel has the right to be called Self love. A despite, A casting away of the pain and humiliation and a simple acceptance and apprehension of Divinity. Simple, ultra simplicity, every Theologian ascribes that to their Subject. God-Love has no parts, indivisible She is as much in You as in Me as in Him and in Her over there.

This realization really only comes out of suffering, only comes Inspite of suffering. This is the answer- it is not verbalized and is not proved. A claim with no force. It is the only Power there is however. All other Might is just chasing after wind.

Ecrasez l'infame

2008-02-19T08:02:52Z

I'm reminded of that old saying. Smash the Infamy!

I'm just so disgusted with society, with the whole idea of it. Following from that it can be deduced that largerly I'm tired of myself. Its all just rules and all just fear in the end- society that is. Just fear of being rejected of not fitting in some how. Social interaction is what fills the void that is the ego, but all that is my ego is fundementally beset by that constant terror- that "not-good-enoughness", that insecurity.

Maybe human nature- the crux of it- has this one basic fact. We emerge as conflicted species, not fully social and not fully individual. We have the pain of having a split soul- a soul split between the cow and the cat. There is no solution.

Now being "involved" as it were, with associations of some people with like experiences- I am more exposed to thoughts on the ultimate consequences of self-slaughter. The recent events close to my home town come to mind- it seems things are just sick and unhealthy.

"Things are sick and unhealthy". It is not wise to ask why these times are worse than previous times, the Bible admonishes us, but sometimes it is good to think in spite of that axiom. Is there something dehumanizing profilerating through human experiences and associations that is provoking greater numbers of outbreaks of pure insanity: of desperate ecrsazs' that cause untold suffering, that create untold ugliness, and that continue to provoke those with the will to beaurecraticize and systemitize.

Rationalization- "the will to beaurecratize and systemize" is what is happening in the name of safety, but it is a viscious cycle. It is harder to just "get by" informally- the force of thou shalt is everstronger, albeit softened and sweetened. The dorm computer lab where I stay to work on assignments or play Unreal tournament with friends late at night is gonna be closed and sealed off, an alarm installed that will notify police. We already have to swipe in with an id-card to enter the dorm building AND the hallway. There is a pervasive system in check, all to prevent future Virgina Tech or NIU events. But why, we ask ourselves, we have to ask ourselves, do they occur in the first place?

They occur because of institutionalized repression and opression. One of Freud's still worth-reading books is Civilization and its Discontents, basic point being that the woes of civilized living is the restraint of our ids and the arise of selves in conflict. That's what's up basically. And its getting worse.

So yes... a conflicted creature. Smash myself? Smash civilization? but nothing could be done if either are done away with

Inactivity

2008-02-16T07:59:06Z

Yet another post but I should do it. I have to. Why? Because doing something is better than doing nothing. Chatted with some online friends earlier today but then I went to just dreaming away.

I know I need to get back to the real world. Well no, I don't want to. Why? Its too demanding, its pulling me- like I wrote on a previous post its like I'm a Trojan (not the condom you gutter-mind but the type of sub-planetary object that alternates orbit between jupiter and the sun.) Yes so anyway... I really like Interpol... listening to Turn on the Bright Lights

I love the dark energy they give off. Yes that's what it is. This album evokes feelings of yea--ness. Well can't find the word exactly, but a kind of comfort- yes that's it! Comfort...

I miss the boarding school I went to, well not the early years of slavery but the later years of yeomanry. My senior year when I had my own homestead. I was a proud Indiana Farmer! Oh yes I'm overblown and not making any sense now. I should probably delete my livejournal and just go back to paper and pen as I used to.

This is dangerous right!? I mean, anyone can read this shit, and its incriminating! But I write anyway becaue I'm reckless... I'm not motivated in any particular direction. I'm a bohemian and this place serves as a fine enough venue.

Oh but back to more elevated sentiments. Interpol is brilliant they capture something. Its the kind of music that always draws me back.

Orion's Arm! I should contrbute to that sometime. Here's the url: www.orionsarm.com

brilliant- I think that community might have a lot of potential. I still want to contribute something to it. If anything, even if I run out of time. I can be happy for Orion's Arm is a great place for me to launch day-dreams off of. Every possible direction of conscious cognition's progress is explored there.

Oh Leif Erikson is just playing again- rabid glow like braille through the night.

Spengler said the Faustian Man of the winter will become no different than the Viking progenitors of the Culture at the Spring-dawn. Yes the Vikings! Exiles, outcasts, they had to raid/explore/rob/compose/desecrate/sail because they were outcasts because Scandanivia had not enough land. They were kicked off and dispossesed. They were murderers and robbers. They were restless.

Who cares if I'm romanticisizing or not, its real, this private myth making is a source of happiness.

I'm obsessed with space. Always was. The outer variety. Aliens, magical technology, great burning balls of gas, immense distances, incalculable energies. God my God.

Adventure- that's all I ever wanted. I can't sit around much longer because this is becoming the end of me possibly. I'm reduced to the highly pathetic plaintive posting in an undesirable corner of the noosphere, populated predominantly by Russians and isolated Trans people. Both no doubt dealing with unpleasantries.

Writing is fun, I'm having a fun and this is a game. Why are people so stupid that they can't make heads or tails of what I'm saying? I mean seriously it makes perfect sense, all I'm saying. Yes it does. Language is flawed. Our concepts of logic are flawed. At the heart we can't just accept that Religion, Art and Science are three spokes of the same wheel- this is the stupidity and debility of our age. Why can't people understand this simplicity? It really it is just so simple... here i'll explain it to you dummy:

Religion- comes from a Latin word meaning to bound and tie... Dharma the sanskrit word comes from a similar route as well- also a tying, fastening and bundling. So what is Religion (spirituality as its called now innaccuratley) concerned with?- with wholeness with unifications. All Religions have in common is that they organize all conceivable reality into a framework. The framework can be opened or closed but the end result is all things are bundled together.

Science- well what is that? It comes from the Latin word for knowledge but really it is measurement. It is the opposite of Religion because it dissects- it finds differences instead of commonalities and quantifies phenomena- a constant reductive process- this is the proper sphere of science. But with God seriously ill- scientists have appropriated priestly robes and try to refasten what they de-bundled. Not bad really, its a respectable art.

Art what's that- I'm lazy so I'll just say its doing anything intentionally.

So- religions and science and art lets say should be one process- that process has a name already- spirituality. We disect than resect in a constant dialectical creative/destructive process. Unity fosters division division fosters Unity. There's a Divinity here somewhere.

So really there are no insights here- this is senseless rambling. A third grader could define art, science, and religion as I have. So why don't adults listen up? Well its because they are pretty fucking stupid, that's why.

Tolerance- A vice?

2008-02-16T04:06:48Z

So I was thinking about this recently, about the concept of tolerance.

Religious tolerance: That basically means that you feel ur own way is right and u simply tolerate other ways. You could think they all go to hell, but you conduct buisiness nonchalantly. The problem I see emerging immediately is that tolerance is here revealed as a safe but divisive attitude. It is a letting-go. Divisions and schisms remain, they are left to be. Tolerance leads to entropy.

Acceptance- so fully examining and appreciating the diversity of numinous reality- this is the most important. I believe, feel, intuit, and understand that it must become so that not only all spiritual experiences and traditions but art and science as well should be understood as a single endevour. I believe in the end of the day we will find there is no easy and simple separation between cognition and creation.

So- as humans we should get to a point where we can actively unite. Of course we are faaar behind, it has to come to a point where tolerance becomes a negative attitude but must of us are still befuddled in intolerance. Tolerance is still a good to be worked for- but sentries have to be aware that tolerance is not an end in itself.

Eventually Religion, Art and Science will become a single endevour. Hopefully, and only if we don't die. Till then we have to fight, yes fight. Not violently as that is regression. But fight with mimetic fortitude, with passion, with strategy. Understand that certain beliefs are just wrong and must be fought. Religion is not a justification for willfully ignoring science, for childabuse, for homophobia, for stupidity. In discourses we must adopt converstational intolerance as Sam Harris suggested. I don't like a lot of his thoughts but he makes a good point.

Cults are bad and should be fought... all religious leaders who are manipulating people and profiting from that process must be condemned. We have to criticize Mega-churche$ the LD$ $cientology... yes, else we may perish from an overflow of cultists and a predominance of ignorance. It takes courage to call something Evil, Bad, or Ugly but it must be done.

Leif Erikson

2008-02-16T01:58:25Z

Sick and tired of just being a useless object, yes useless not even used by anything or anyone. I have to make a leap... enter somewhere else. Can't continue doing things as they've been done... living as living was done... fucking as fucking was done....

there has to be hope somewhere out there... need to get the lights off then get a rabid glow of the soul as a braille through the night i find myself in. day is a defiled night, a butchered night...

serenity... peace... aesthetic vision.... beholding of symmetries interspersed infinitely across infinity.

beholding the darkness... burning the Suns down... loving the distant stars... that is all a being can do...

to be happy? no, to be holy.